“2018 is going to be my year,” says every person who has totally written off the train wreck that was 2017. Personally, I’ve chosen to just eat and sleep until January rolls around—I’m back in my hometown for the holidays, so nobody will notice I haven’t bathed in days. But let’s keep looking ahead with optimism. Below are some forecasts for each sign, drawn from my shallow knowledge of astrology, so you know they’re definitely going to happen!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
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You’re a natural-born leader with a strong will, and you’re never shy about going after what you want. But you tend to reveal all your moves too early. An Aries is the type who bought inauguration tickets for the whole family when they heard Hillary was running, only to end up planning the worst trip ever. Still, next year brings you a wave of opportunity, and your readiness to take charge and jump into business projects will literally pay off. Get set to stack that cash!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
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You’ve got razor-sharp focus and incredible determination, which explains why you’re drawn to a straightforward life—your eyes stay on what truly matters. Unlike me, you didn’t forget to pick up your mom from the airport because Beyoncé dropped her pregnancy photos and you had to soak them in for two hours (sorry again, Mom). But I foresee you actually getting sidetracked this year. After so much work focus, that distraction will be exactly what you need, leading to happiness you’ve never experienced before.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
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You’re always seeing things from multiple angles. Like Warren Beatty, you probably somehow believed La La Land and Moonlight were the same film. But your contradictory nature has made you an excellent communicator—you’re constantly explaining yourself. This year, you’ll talk your way out of a sticky situation, landing you in an even better spot than before.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
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Your mood shifts constantly. One day you’re #TeamTaylorSwift, the next you’re wallpapering your bedroom with the receipts Kim Kardashian leaked to expose her (it does make gorgeous décor). But 2018 is your year to expect the unexpected. It’ll be packed with sudden ups and downs that come out of nowhere. Your knack for not getting stuck in one mindset will serve you well.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
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You’re the soul of every party. You thrive on being the center of attention, showing off your talents, and soaking up applause from your audience. You were the first in your friend group to get an iPhone X, and you wouldn’t stop talking about it until someone said, “Wow, the camera is really great.” However, this year you’ll discover the power of working behind the scenes.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
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You read people like a book and have a sharp sense of right and wrong. That’s why you often tread carefully and can be selective. I bet you were the only one who never fully trusted Kevin Spacey after American Beauty—you saw it coming. This year, your sixth sense will actually guide you to love. It won’t look that way at first, but trust your instincts, and a blossoming romance will follow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
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You’ve got a wonderfully balanced mind, making you great at resolving arguments and keeping harmony in daily life. You’re probably the only person who could convince B.o.B that the Earth is round. Even though friends come to you to settle disputes, getting caught in the middle might become overwhelming. Why jump into drama when you can jump into a Porsche, am I right? Follow that feeling—staying out of conflicts will bring you a fresh sense of balance and peace.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
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You’re one to hold a grudge. You haven’t been able to watch This Is Us because the pilot made you cry. I get it—you don’t want to get hurt. I know this sounds crazy, but lean into that in the New Year. You’re sensitive to people who’ve wronged you, and avoiding certain individuals or situations based on past experiences will be a solid way to protect yourself.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
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You’re an optimist—even the toughest hardships can’t bring you down. You’re probably not hibernating right now or stress-eating Christmas leftovers. Why can’t I be more like you?! But ironically, you’ll have incredible luck next year. You’ll finally reap what you’ve sown, enjoying some downright good fortune. Your optimism will help you truly appreciate the wonderful things coming your way.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
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You’re an overachiever with massive ambition. Even though you spent three weeks on your 5th-grade history project and all the kids laughed because you wore a Harriet Tubman costume to present it, you were actually cool because you cared! (Did I mention I’m a Capricorn?) Don’t stop in 2018. You put in tons of work toward your goals in 2017, and if you keep up that strong work ethic no matter what others say, you’ll finally hit your target.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
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You love being around people. You’re at every club or big social event, which gives you tons of acquaintances but very few close friends. You probably didn’t have anyone slip you a bootleg of the Taylor Swift album, so you had to buy it like a sucker. Sorry about that. However, being totally on your own—without even the comfort of a crowd—will work in your favor next year. 2018 will bring some very good problems, like juggling multiple new career and leisure options. It’ll be up to you and only you to handle them.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
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You’re a dreamer and a romantic, often lost in your own world. So much so that you sometimes overlook the thoughts and feelings of even those closest to you. (Did I mention my boyfriend is a Pisces?) But that quality is what makes you so sensitive and imaginative. You see the world as it could be, not as it is. 2017 had its highs and lows, but you’re heading into 2018 with more hope than most. That’s good, because the New Year will be eventful for you—more exciting than bad. Stay imaginative and hopeful, and don’t let this crazy world drag you down, because it’ll still be crazy. Rise above it—you’re better than that. And keep being sweet to your girlfriend!
Got any other predictions for 2018? Drop us a line on Twitter @Smosh!
