Woman, Inspired by Earth’s Full Solar Lap, Pledges to Overhaul Her Diet

GREENVILLE, NC—Pointing to the celestial body’s reappearance at this exact spot in space as a reason for greater personal responsibility, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s full journey around the sun prompted local woman Vivian Turner to reconsider her dietary choices. “Since the planet I inhabit has now covered 584 million miles in an elliptical path around its star, I’ve resolved to get healthier and cut back on pasta,” Turner remarked, adding that the rotational momentum generated by Earth’s formation as it completed 365 spins on its axis had earlier motivated her to economize by packing a lunch from home. “Realizing we’re once again 91,401,983 miles from the sun, I plan to start making salads as well. I also need to ensure I avoid late-night snacks for the entire period the Sun’s gravity keeps us in orbit until we come back to this distance—I can’t quit just because the Earth’s tilt begins to gradually warm its northern half.” By press time, the Earth had yet to finish a single rotation since Turner made her pledge to steer clear of sweets, before she was already eating a second slice of chocolate cake.