When the sexual misconduct accusations against comedian Aziz Ansari emerged, the public response came swiftly. For countless individuals—especially women—the distressing date described by "Grace" (a pseudonym) in the Babe interview felt painfully relatable: after a brief dinner, they returned to his apartment, where he persistently pushed for sex despite her verbal and non-verbal signals to stop.
Unsurprisingly, alongside those who empathized with Grace, there were many—predominantly men—who failed to see any wrongdoing on Ansari's part. After all, Grace could have spoken more assertively or simply left his apartment, right? Surely she is only speaking out to boost her own career, leveraging Ansari's celebrity status, correct? (Reminder: She came forward anonymously.)
Not so fast, smug online commentators—it's not that simple, regardless of whether the man had just won an award for creating and starring in a show that portrayed him as the perpetual nice guy who can never land his perfect woman.
This is likely an opportune moment for all of us to discuss the concept and significance of "enthusiastic consent." If you haven't encountered this term before, it refers to deliberately and clearly agreeing to and engaging in sexual activity.
Related: How a Constricted Perspective on Sexual Assault Enables Offenders
During my college's freshman orientation (about 15 years ago), we were all required to attend a seminar titled "No Means No," and every woman on campus received a bright-red rape whistle. While this was certainly better than nothing, it conveys a problematic message about consent: that unless a person explicitly says "no" or blows a deafening whistle, they are implicitly consenting. Enthusiastic consent flips that logic—only yes means yes.
Insights from the Aziz Ansari Case on Our Constricted Consent Framework
Defining Enthusiastic Consent
Fortunately, we have likely moved past debating the value of consent. As Shadeen Francis, a therapist, educator, and author specializing in social justice and sex therapy, notes, without consent, you have abuse. However, she says the concept of enthusiastic consent is more nuanced.
"When I instruct students and couples on enthusiastic consent, I'm not referring to physical exuberance—though that's great—but rather to explicit, emotionally positive agreements to engage in an activity," Francis explained to SheKnows. "Using enthusiasm as a benchmark for consent helps illuminate the moments when initiators inadvertently and at times unconsciously transition from a sexual encounter to sexual assault."
Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors (CBS TV), and co-star of Sex Box (We TV), asserts that enthusiastic consent was absent in Grace's encounter with Ansari.
Following coerced mutual oral sex and additional undesired behaviors, when Grace established limits and Ansari ignored them and continued, Walfish identifies that as the turning point where it escalated into sexual harassment and abuse.
"At that moment, my pulse quickened as I recognized the implicit power imbalance rooted in their physical size, not their social standing," she told SheKnows. "Regrettably, such conduct is common in dating, not limited to Hollywood's elite. Frankly, Ansari behaved disrespectfully and selfishly toward his date."
Ansari released a statement confirming the date with Grace, remarking that everything had appeared consensual to him, and he was surprised and troubled to discover she felt differently. He said he took her words to heart and replied privately after taking time to reflect.
That Ansari expressed surprise and concern that Grace felt violated underscores that our understanding of consent requires significant improvement. No individual should find themselves in a scenario where one person perceives sexual assault while the other believes it was consensual or a mere misunderstanding.
Related: How Terry Crews' Disclosure of Sexual Assault Shifted the Conversation
Although Ansari receives praise for confirming that the evening unfolded as Grace described, he maintains he believed it was entirely consensual, and his statement lacked any genuine apology. By emphasizing his surprise and concern that they were not aligned, he subtly redirects responsibility to her, implying she failed to communicate her lack of interest clearly.
Moreover, "surprised and concerned" is the language parents use with teens over poor grades or missed curfews—it is not an apology.
Even had he apologized, we cannot condone someone who openly disregards another's signals to stop, then offers an apology and escapes consequences. As writer and comedian Lane Moore tweeted, this pattern occurs frequently: the perpetrator only expresses regret after achieving his objective.
Lane Moore posted on Twitter: "I'm certain this occurs constantly, and it's infuriating because the man later pretends to regret not listening, yet only does so AFTER he accomplished what he intended. Additionally, how can anyone 'misinterpret' a verbal no, physical recoil, or a terrified expression?" — Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) January 14, 2018
The Significance of Enthusiastic Consent
Francis notes that sexual negotiation is ripe for misinterpretation. Verbal and nonverbal cues can be nuanced, subtle, multifaceted, and even conflicting.
She explains that this ambiguity makes sexual assault stories frequently contentious: "Was it assault or not?" In a "no means no" culture that typically lacks training in emotional intelligence and thorough sex education, we tend to interpret that message as meaning only a clear, explicit "no" counts.
In truth, people convey disinterest, discomfort, and displeasure in numerous ways, Francis says. Even a verbal "no" delivered half-heartedly might not be perceived as definitive as someone yelling it while fleeing, she adds. Enthusiastic consent seeks to eliminate misunderstandings by guaranteeing that everyone involved is an active, willing participant.
Furthermore, relying solely on "no means no" overlooks the fact that relationships often have imbalances in privilege, power—social, economic, or physical—and skill, Francis notes. She adds that individuals who feel disempowered in the moment or worry about repercussions later may find it impossible to simply say no.
Francis explains that expecting all communication to be unambiguous disregards how these power imbalances affect interactions. It is common for people to acquiesce or say yes because they feel pressured or obligated, even if the other party does not intend to coerce.
Francis states that these stories are repeatedly recounted by employees, survivors of past assaults, students, individuals caught off guard by a sexual encounter, those financially reliant on the other person, people marginalized by ethnicity or nationality, women, transgender individuals, and gender nonbinary people.
Related: How Sexual Harassment Affects Psychological Well-Being
"Given all this ambiguity and pressure, emotional tone can serve as a helpful gauge of whether an experience is consensual," she adds.
Practical Examples of Enthusiastic Consent
Walfish says it involves partners checking in with one another, particularly when moving toward greater intimacy, by asking questions like "Is this okay?" or "Does that feel good?"
It's always wise to pay attention to your partner's physical, nonverbal signals.
Walfish continues: "If your partner flinches, suddenly tenses, or you detect discomfort, pause to ask how they are doing rather than forging ahead. Mutual pleasure, orgasm, and arousal can only occur when both partners are willing and on equal footing."
When power and privilege differences exist between partners, it becomes even more crucial to ensure everyone is enjoying themselves and participating willingly and enthusiastically—even if you consider yourself one of the "good" ones.
If you have experienced sexual abuse or assault, call the free, confidential National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), or access the 24-7 help online by visiting online.rainn.org.
