by Cynthia Chung
Before I crossed paths with the man I eventually married, my mental checklist for an ideal partner looked something like this:
- He’s good-looking (ideally a bit taller than me; nice arms; bonus points if he resembles Hayden Christensen or John Mayer)
- He has a great sense of humor and a warm smile he shows often
- He’s smart, open-minded, intellectually curious, and considerate; he can engage in a thoughtful debate
- He’s fun and loves adventure but doesn’t force me to camp or eat insects
- He has excellent taste in music, movies, books, etc. (a must: he must be a Tolkien fan—otherwise, it’s a dealbreaker)
- He gets along with my friends and family
- We share a similar perspective on life’s priorities . . . a common faith would be a major plus
I’m guessing you have—or once had—a comparable list tucked away in your mind, even if it’s mostly subconscious. I recall mine so vividly because, thanks to those lofty standards, I was quite selective and didn’t date much during my teens or early twenties. Yet, to my utter surprise, I eventually met someone who checked every single box, plus others I hadn’t even thought of.
Looking back, what stands out is that while I could be incredibly precise about the traits that would draw me to a man—on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels—I held back from detailing the values and worldview we’d share. I got lucky.
If you want to be better equipped for a lasting relationship than I was, the somewhat surprising secret is to stop looking outward and start understanding yourself more deeply. Here are three common mistakes most of us make when envisioning an ideal spouse, along with what to prioritize instead.
We aren’t clear on our own values.
My older, wiser self now realizes my list was vague on deeper matters because I didn’t have a solid grasp of my own values; I knew I wanted marriage and had a rough idea of how many children I desired, but I’d never dated someone of the same faith or seriously considered my nonnegotiable values in romantic relationships.
A great starting point for determining what to seek in a partner is to identify your own values, goals, and future aspirations. Not all of these need to align perfectly as a couple, but figure out which are absolute dealbreakers and which you’re willing to compromise on.
Everyone harbors unspoken, unconscious expectations about life and relationships, including you. For instance, do you know your views on money and parenting? Would you prioritize family time every evening over financial gain, or the reverse? Your answer will shape the career paths you and your spouse pursue. What about household chores or weekend activities? Reflecting on your feelings about these areas will guide you in making better relationship choices.
We focus on compatibility rather than shared meaning.
Therapist and Verily relationships writer Zach Brittle notes, “Compatibility (or lack thereof) is overrated. Couples of all shapes, sizes, nationalities, and creeds can make it work. But research shows that the happiest and healthiest couples have a unique ability to create shared meaning.” A relationship built on shared meaning is a friendship rooted in common values, goals, and dreams; it’s a harmonious overarching narrative rather than minute specifics.
An example of prioritizing compatibility over shared meaning is assuming you couldn’t make a relationship work with someone who holds different political views. Those differences don’t have to drive you apart as long as you share core values, like helping the homeless or other vulnerable people in your community.
Look for a partner who is open and willing to co-create a family culture, lifestyle, and legacy you’d both be happy with. Relationship expert Dr. Gottman asserts that the strongest marriages are founded on this kind of shared meaning, and conflicts are less intense when both partners have a mutual “end goal.”
We forget to focus on soft skills.
Five and a half years into marriage, it seems absurd to me that qualities like strong communication skills, willingness to compromise, and making sacrifices weren’t on my romantic radar. No matter how much you have in common or how intriguing it is to explore each other’s iPods or bookshelves when you first fall in love, disagreements will inevitably arise over time. It’s far more crucial that your future spouse has a temperament open to resolving conflict than that you’re so perfect for each other you never argue (sorry, that’s just not realistic).
As Brittle writes, “Couples that can effectively manage conflict can help make each other’s life dreams come true.” Since communication and conflict management are learnable skills, the key trait to seek is a willingness to put in the effort. While it might not sound romantic or exciting to add to your Dream Guy list, trust me—it’s the quality you’ll value most as the years go by.
verilymag.com
