In matters of the heart, we tend to overanalyze every detail.
That's a valid concern. As the initial infatuation fades and reality takes hold, it's easy to ask yourself: Have I settled for less than I deserve?
Given the seemingly unlimited choices available today (think: endless swiping), it's challenging to determine whether your partner is truly a wonderful match or merely an indication that you've abandoned the search and accepted mediocrity. My clients, fearful of choosing incorrectly, often ask me whether the person they are seeing is genuinely someone they wish to wed.
And that's a worthwhile inquiry.
Let me be straightforward: no marriage is foolproof, and the concept of a perfect soulmate is not particularly useful. However, there are ten critical aspects I explore with my clients that can help them feel more assured about their decision—or recognize that they might be heading toward difficulties.
If you're unsure whether you're truly settling or simply proceeding with clear awareness, examine these ten factors and take an honest moment to assess your situation.
Marriage Expectations: Essential Relationship Advice
01. Embracing Each Other as You Are
Settling: You are with him because of what he could become. You believe he will change after marriage, or that he simply requires additional time to transform into the person you desire.
Healthy: You embrace him exactly as he is. While you may request adjustments in behavior, you appreciate and value his traits without feeling he requires a complete makeover.
02. Mutual Respect Between Partners
Settling: You are consistently treated poorly. He sometimes dismisses what matters to you, has embarrassed you repeatedly, or makes you question your sanity. When you seek his attention, he responds harshly or ignores you. Whatever his disrespectful actions, you justify them by telling yourself, "He doesn't truly mean it."
Healthy: You can confidently state that he respects you. Even when you disagree or hold different views, he values your opinions and emotions. He listens and makes you feel heard. He treats you as an equal.
03. Willingness to Compromise
Settling: He does not take you into account when making decisions. When you express what is important to you or request that he meet your needs, he dismisses your concerns or completely overlooks them. Occasionally, he may initially agree to what you ask but rarely follows through.
Healthy: He responds positively to your needs. He shows genuine interest in what matters to you—and why—and adopts a collaborative approach. He is adaptable and open to compromise. Although he might not act immediately according to your preferred timeline, he consistently demonstrates effort in the areas that are significant to you.
04. Trusting Your Instincts
Settling: You often feel uneasy. You experience insecurity about the relationship—your position, his feelings, etc. If you naturally desire a lot of closeness, you may feel compelled to reduce your expectations. Something feels wrong, and you simply do not feel fully cherished.
Healthy: You experience a sense of calm. Intense infatuation does not last indefinitely; instead, you now feel comfort and security. Some people mistakenly interpret this as a problem or a missing element in the relationship, but it actually indicates that you have moved into the attachment phase.
05. Quality of Your Time Together
Settling: You have occasional great moments. You frequently recall wonderful times from the past, when you saw how strong your connection was, and you wish things could return to that state.
Healthy: You consistently enjoy good times together. You have developed a deep friendship, and the overall tone is positive. The positive aspects of your relationship far outweigh the negative. (Aim for at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.)
06. Your Social Network
Settling: You often complain about him to family and friends—or they have openly expressed concerns about your relationship.
Healthy: Your family and friends like him. They understand that nobody is perfect and that every relationship has its conflicts—but most (if not all) of them support your relationship and genuinely appreciate your partner.
07. Your True Motivation
Settling: Be honest here. Do you feel you 'should' marry this person, or is it simply the expected next step? Perhaps you have been together for five years and think it is time. Maybe you fear wasting all that time, so you stay. Or the thought of re-entering the dating world makes you uneasy. Perhaps you believe you have reached a certain age, or all your friends are married, and you think it is simply time.
Healthy: You want him for who he is. Not only do you deeply love this man, but you can easily list all his remarkable qualities. You are specific about the traits you admire and respect. Even if you mention behaviors that frustrate you, you know you can work through them together.
08. Shared Relationship Aspirations
Settling: He hints at marriage someday but does not seem to be actively pursuing it. If he avoids conversations about building a life together, he may simply be leading you on.
Healthy: He also wants marriage. You share the same relationship goal, and he engages in discussions about what your life would look like if you were married.
09. Harmful Patterns
Settling: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—the '4 Horsemen' of relationship destruction, according to Dr. Gottman's research, predict divorce. I joke with my clients, "You might as well sign the divorce papers along with the marriage license," if these four traits are already present. Couples must take these toxic behaviors seriously and find ways to address them before getting engaged.
Healthy: The 4 Horsemen may occasionally appear, but not frequently. You might be critical or defensive, but you move past it—since it happens rarely. You have learned to effectively repair any damage your behaviors cause.
10. Non-Negotiables
Settling: You are ignoring deal breakers and warning signs. You believe he will change his mind or think, "Oh, we'll figure it out later." It may be intimidating, but failing to address these issues can cause you to waste even more time.
Healthy: You have discussed any potential deal breakers and red flags—and recognize that some issues are simply personality quirks that will persist—and that does not spell disaster, just realism.
Ending a relationship with someone you care for—even if they are clearly wrong for you—can be frightening. You are uncertain whether you will meet another person, and you might worry about remaining alone indefinitely. Conversely, if you have been seeing your partner for some time, you recognize that he is not flawless. Keep in mind that being unmarried can be seen as a position of strength—the strength to determine whether you are with a worthy man, and the ability to grant yourself permission to seek a more suitable partner, for the benefit of both.
