How many couples do you know who have been married for over twenty (or even just ten) years and still radiate deep passion for each other? It's an uncommon sight, yet far from unattainable. If you were to ask these friends what their recipe is for sustaining romance in their marriage, their responses might catch you off guard. Every pair undoubtedly has their unique rituals and approaches, but one truth stands out: it didn't happen by accident. Remaining in love with your soul mate demands dedication, resolve, and intentional work from both partners.
Imagine visiting a friend's house and noticing their garden is stunning—pristine grass and vibrant flower beds. That tells you someone has put in consistent effort to maintain it. Conversely, if you see a garden overrun with weeds and thorns, it's clear it's been ignored and no one has tended to it.
Your marriage functions much like a garden: it can yield joy or sorrow based on how much energy you and your spouse invest in pulling out the weeds and planting good seeds.
The slow transition from soul mate to roommate can be prevented by focusing on these key elements of your partnership:
Key Areas
Open Dialogue
We are always communicating, whether through words or body language. The real issue is what kind of exchange is happening. Is it only about routine matters like bills, groceries, or handling a child's urgent problem? Or do you make time to genuinely share your emotions, what's troubling you, or a delightful thing you saw or heard that you wanted to tell your soul mate?
When conversations shrink to mere pleasantries and logistical fixes, the vibrancy in your marriage may start to drain. So, make a daily habit of truly talking and listening to one another, even if it's just fifteen minutes before sleep. Do you recall when you could chat for hours while looking into each other's eyes?
Warmth and Closeness
As you begin to grow apart, intimacy is often one of the first areas where the shift becomes visible—if not to you, then to those around you. Did you used to hold hands or steal quick kisses in public when you thought nobody was watching? Could you hardly wait to be alone together?
Of course, circumstances may have changed. Perhaps you have one or two young children, along with work and other commitments. But don't let these things rob you of what you once shared. Reach out and take each other's hands again. What about a long, warm hug when you say good morning? Keep kissing and showing affection, even in public. Guard your intimacy.
Quality Time
Staying in love with your soul mate requires spending time together. Maybe you don't see each other all day, then spend evenings watching TV or helping kids with homework, and you don't even go to bed at the same hour. Over time, you might feel like ships passing in the night, silently drifting by. Or you may find that hanging out with friends feels more enjoyable than being with your spouse. Remember the well-kept, attractive garden? Set aside time to nurture your marriage; do activities together, explore new places, hold hands—all of this will make you want to be around each other more.
Priorities
Amid the rush of everyday life, it's easy to lose track of what matters most. "Of course, my marriage is everything to me," you might say, "but right now I need to focus on earning money and meeting my children's needs." These are important, but not so crucial that they justify neglecting your spouse.
Perhaps you think that someday, when you retire and your children are grown, you can rebuild your marriage. Sadly, many have discovered that through neglect and misplaced priorities, their marriage garden became so overrun with weeds that it became impossible to live in. Put your spouse's needs and your relationship first; be conscious that this must happen amidst daily life. Only then can you experience genuine emotional closeness with your soul mate as the years go by.
Put your spouse's needs and your relationship first; be conscious that this must happen amidst daily life.
Handling Disagreements
Disagreements are unavoidable in any relationship, as two very different individuals will inevitably rub each other the wrong way from time to time. The key isn't to avoid the pain, but to learn how to address hurts openly and honestly. If you express exactly how you feel and work through your differences, you can grow closer through effective conflict resolution.
But if you keep pushing down minor grievances, they tend to pile up, and over time, a hardness may develop in your relationship that becomes nearly impossible to heal. It's far better to be genuine and vulnerable with each other, "disinfecting" the wounds one by one as soon as possible after they occur.
Refusing to Compromise
Sometimes, less is not more, and marital happiness is a prime example. If you notice your relationship with your spouse is sliding from soul mate to roommate territory, don't accept less and tell yourself, "oh well, this is probably just how it has to be."
You and your spouse deserve the finest relationship possible—full of passion and delight, enjoying the blessing of your love for each other. Don't let the weeds take over your garden and choke out the roses and delicious fruit that could bloom. Do whatever it takes—like scheduling date nights or planning special getaways to honor your togetherness—to cultivate your marriage garden. Don't settle for anything less than the best.
What's the most valuable marriage advice you've ever received?
Images via Allie Jeffers; Florals by The Wild Mother
