My seven-year-old daughter constantly wanted to share my bed. She experienced a phase of sobbing every evening at the thought of sleeping by herself. I listened to her wail each time, hoping it might bring some benefit, but I observed minimal improvement.
One evening, though, she grew extremely furious and began attempting to strike and kick me. I had just viewed a Hand in Hand clip on managing aggression, so I felt more certain about how to respond. I matched her hostility with affection, pressing kisses to her fists as she struck, dodging her kicks, and reassuring her that I recognized her distress.
Supporting A Child Who Displays Aggressive Behavior
After an extended, intense outburst, she calmed down, stretched out on the bed, and shared an event from her gym class that day. They had participated in an activity involving a large parachute fabric, which was entirely new to her. While the rest of the kids at her new school knew the drill, she had no clue what to do and panicked when the material covered her. She said the other kids adored the game, but she despised it.
She appeared eager to keep kicking, so I positioned a pillow and invited her to imagine it was the parachute and kick it. She obliged, and she thoroughly enjoyed kicking it! She then rose to slam it down with a karate chop over and over. Next, she hurled it backward over her head and down the corridor repeatedly, labeling it a "Stupid, f___ f___ pillow." "F___" is a term she finds completely absorbing—it carries significant weight for her.
I worried this outburst might drag on indefinitely, but I permitted her to continue because she appeared to be benefiting so much from it.
After some more time passed, I noticed it was getting late for a school night, and I proposed she could pick it up later. She appeared content with that arrangement and went to sleep without tears.
Sleeping by herself still carries some apprehension for her, but since that evening, she has not wept once at bedtime. The contrast between before and after that night is striking! I was astonished and delighted that a single Staylistening session produced such a significant effect.
The Reason It Succeeded
Occasionally our children plead to share our bed, but we decide against it. Maybe we don't rest well when they're beside us, or we acknowledge our own requirement for distance from our kids to recharge. Possibly we've noticed that their anxieties about sleeping independently could be hindering them in other aspects of their life, and we wish to support them.
We answer their request for closeness but recognize our own requirements too.
This mother established a boundary: her daughter had to sleep in her own bed. Instead of meeting her daughter's aggression with fury, she identified her fear and moved toward her with empathy. By reacting to her daughter's kicks with tenderness and understanding, she communicated, "I adore you no matter what!"
That was precisely what her daughter required, and she felt secure enough to voice what was truly troubling her.
The mother then leveraged that moment and assisted her child in discharging the pain. Her daughter kicked and punched and cursed at a pillow. This "verbal liberation," as we term it, is something we suggest parents embrace during Staylistening sessions.
Against what you might expect, bad language has not infiltrated these children's everyday vocabulary. This mother was inventive in channeling her daughter's rage and protest, providing her with a way to feel empowered rather than scared, and a way to release enough frustration that she could unwind that night and for many evenings ahead. However, a parent who cannot tolerate their child's chosen vocabulary could guide their child to channel their passion into another word, like "rutabaga!" or "fruitloop!"
The freedom to express anger is the healing element; the specific words used matter less.
This post is adapted from the book Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler. The book contains countless comparable anecdotes from parents applying Hand in Hand's tools. To explore more from the book, download this complimentary chapter on Special Time and discover how 10 minutes of focused time each day with your child can transform your parenting and strengthen your connection.
