I discovered that dating involves far more than just going on dates.
Much of today's dating advice suffers from a narrow perspective. It tends to focus on fixing minor personality quirks or supplying clever one-liners, rather than considering the individual as a whole. Think back: how many “tips and tricks” have you tried without connecting them to your own personal development?
These suggestions aren't necessarily bad, but when we follow them blindly, we often neglect the very foundation that prepares us for a healthy relationship: self-growth.
Guidance from credible sources can be invaluable, and a nudge in the right direction can fill your dating life with confidence, inspiration, and a sense of worthiness. So after much deliberation, I took a deep breath and decided to invest in an online dating coach.
Now, a year later, I couldn't be more pleased with the results. Here’s my journey.
01. Recognizing My Value Before Beginning
Long before I had the courage to spend money on dating advice, I experienced a mental shift. It started with a simple statement from Brené Brown: “When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.”
A sense of worthiness became the foundation for how I saw myself in romantic relationships. As humans, we possess intrinsic worth. This realization made me reflect: how many of my relationship issues stemmed from feeling unworthy?
The answer: far too many, my friends. Embracing my worthiness didn't come naturally at first, and it taught me that asking for help in this area is perfectly okay. So, after my birthday, I finally did.
02. Adjusting My Finances to Invest in the Right Coach
When I turned 30, I made a pact with myself. Any book, workshop, or weekend experience focused on personal growth or relationships that would support my development got the green light. I had to shuffle my budget around, but I made it work.
After some online research, I took the plunge and bought a program from one of my favorite dating coaches. It helped fill the gaps in my understanding of men and what was missing in my approach. Despite fearing embarrassment or self-criticism for past mistakes, the process turned out to be quite enjoyable!
Rather than promoting seduction techniques or pickup lines, the lessons I learned over time were remarkably dignified and practical—not just for dating, but also for negotiating a raise at work or confidently chatting with strangers in the grocery line.
Too many singles struggle with the dating game. We wonder why things haven't worked in our favor yet, but then we sit back and never take the next step: seeking expert advice. One transformative lesson was realizing that it's okay to ask for help. It's the first sign that we're moving toward growth.
03. Discovering I Already Had the Tools for Confidence
Signs of progress appeared a few months after I truly internalized the advice. For instance, at a writer's conference, I sat down with a nice-looking stranger who was eating breakfast alone. My usual habit was to sit nearby, hoping by some Jedi mind trick that he'd notice I was single—but this time, I took action.
So yes, technically I made the first move, and I felt relieved by how in control I was. In some ways, this was much easier than having a random guy approach me in a bar! It turned out we shared many interests, and soon the conversation led to an invitation for dinner that evening, which I accepted. The spontaneity felt magical, and when we left the conference, he joked, “If I didn’t pull you out of there, the other guys would have been lining up behind me.”
I laughed at the irony. Compliments? On-the-spot date offers from strangers? Where was this all coming from? My small step of confidence was paying off big.
Even my family noticed a change in my demeanor. “Something’s different about you, Lauren,” my sister remarked. “You seem like you are coming into your own these past few months.” She was right. My confidence was building momentum, and those around me sensed it, even if they couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.
04. Breaking Free from Formulaic Ways of Meeting Men
Over time, the typical methods of meeting men (like bars or online dating) faded away. I realized I didn't need to go out of my way or try anything elaborate. Instead, I simply transformed how I viewed everyday interactions: chatting with new coworkers, picking up groceries, or even trips to my local coffee shop where a cute barista worked.
This kind of confidence and natural social skill wasn't built overnight—and in many ways, my self-growth journey is far from complete. And that's fine. I learned that these skills are honed over a lifetime, through interactions where we leverage good listening, great energy, and a sprinkle of wit.
Identifying and eliminating things like my reliance on dating apps, false beliefs about men, and passive behaviors like waiting around to be noticed didn't just improve my dating skills—it built the foundation of my confidence and character. That alone was worth every penny I spent on dating advice. And while I may not have Mr. Right on my arm yet, I'm certain he will take a second look when our paths eventually cross.
