Setting aside my Millennial cynicism, I now find myself humbled by the insights in Dr. Gary Chapman's renowned book.
During a visit to a friend in Los Angeles, who had just endured a painful breakup like me, he pointed to a book on his nightstand: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. "She asked me to get this," he said about his ex-girlfriend, "to see if we could salvage things before calling it quits."
My immediate reply was, "That's nonsense. Toss it in the fire right now."
But let me pause. Who was I to act as an authority on relationships? I've never picked up a self-help book about love. I've never sought professional guidance on my romantic life—much to my former partner's frustration. My opinion was built on nothing substantial.
I felt humbled and curious, and looking back, I can't help but wonder: if I had known these concepts earlier, could I have saved my relationship?
It also made me think: How do we go through our younger years taking classes in home economics, cooking, and driving, yet never receive education on nurturing healthy, loving relationships—the very foundation of our happiness and success?
01. Communication is everything—the ultimate foundation.
If you're not communicating effectively with your partner, you're setting yourselves up for failure. Strong communication matters for major relationship issues, but it's equally crucial for minor ones. At its core, relationship conflict often stems from how connected we feel—or don't feel. Successful communication is built on small actions, and The 5 Love Languages offers the best strategies for expressing affection through communication.
02. In love, we each have a primary and secondary language.
If your love languages don't match your partner's, that's perfectly fine. It's actually uncommon for partners to share the same primary language. In fact, having identical love languages doesn't indicate compatibility. However, understanding which language you and your partner use to navigate your relationship can reveal a lot about each other's behaviors, what makes you happy, and what frustrates you.
03. The way your partner shows love may not be what they desire in return.
My ex-boyfriend's primary love language toward me was gift-giving, which he did often. But what he wanted from me were acts of love like physical touch and affirming words. While he appreciated my gifts, giving him my full attention would have brought him far more satisfaction in our relationship.
04. The longer you're together, the more routine your time becomes.
It's natural to eventually drift away from the honeymoon phase. In fact, other couples might find it odd if you never settled into normal patterns. So when the constant heart-eye emoji feeling fades, finding ways to connect through your love languages is essential. If you value quality time, enjoy simple activities like picking a new TV series to watch together. If you value physical touch, set aside a night to turn off phones and cuddle, or make a point to hold hands on your next date. If you value receiving gifts, don't wait for a holiday to give a token of appreciation. Any day can be a celebration if you choose it to be.
05. The 5 Love Languages apply beyond your romantic relationship.
While our partnership often takes center stage, many other relationships in our lives—with friends and family—also benefit from these ideas. Since The 5 Love Languages is about navigating interpersonal psychology, its concepts can easily be used to nurture all important connections, from our mothers to our colleagues. It's a straightforward approach to better understanding the people we care about.
Ultimately, there's no single formula for a perfect, balanced relationship. But if I've learned one thing for my future, it's this: The more tools you have to connect with and understand your partner, the better. And sometimes, depending on where we start, finding those tools requires a bit of humility.
verilymag.com
