Intimacy doesn’t have to be a source of confusion.
Sex—just hearing the word can trigger a wide range of emotions and reactions. It’s a subject that often gets tangled up with personal beliefs and values. Many people carry heavy expectations around sex, along with feelings of shame. While sex is undeniably important, it’s rarely discussed in a meaningful way, likely because of how sensitive the topic can be.
Unfortunately, this leads many to turn to the internet for answers, picking up ideas about sex from unreliable sources instead of trusted friends or family. Even well-meaning sources can unknowingly pass along beliefs that originated from flawed information.
The last thing I want is to add more shame or unrealistic expectations. But after working through my own sexual baggage with a therapist and talking to close girlfriends about their experiences, I’ve identified a few beliefs I truly wish women would stop holding onto.
5 Things Women Should Stop Thinking About Sex
Myth #1: It’s possible to have casual sex without emotional connection.
I picked up this belief in college, where many of the ideas that still shape my feminism were formed. But this so-called “feminist” idea was one I abandoned as soon as I learned more about the human reproductive system. Having sex without any connection is practically impossible, especially for women. Sexual activity triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that fosters feelings of trust and bonding between partners. In other words, sex literally creates a bond between two people, and that bond isn’t easily erased by sheer willpower—it’s hormonal.
Yet in college, I felt guilty for feeling connected to a guy I slept with, because of the messages around me. Experience and knowledge taught me that my feelings weren’t the problem—the culture was. Society told me my body could be used for pleasure and that would make me happy. Now my pro-sex feminism looks different: I acknowledge the power and appeal of sex, but I also respect its biology by choosing to have sex only with a man I fully trust.
Myth #2: The best way for women to explore how they like it is by themselves.
In my human anatomy classes in college, I learned that female sexual pleasure differs from male pleasure, which unfortunately meant it received less emphasis. I heard over and over that the solution was to explore solo before I could enjoy intimacy with a partner. But just like my views on casual sex, my expression of pro-sex feminism has shifted over the years. Today, I believe that female pleasure is best explored with a fully committed and trusted partner.
I’m not alone in this understanding. Consider a study that found women experience orgasms more often in relationships than in hookups. Having conversations about preferences can be awkward, but it’s actually the most natural way to engage in sex. Those conversations become much easier when there’s good communication and mutual respect—both foundations of a trusting relationship.
READ 5 Love Languages: I Could Only Wish I Knew Them Sooner
Myth #3: Sex is the most intimate way of expressing love.
This belief is subtle yet damaging. I say that because it led me to use sex as a way to cope with sadness or insecurity in a relationship. Instead of working through an argument by talking, I’d pretend everything was fine and have sex. Rather than telling a partner I was having an anxiety attack, I’d ignore the feelings and start making out. It became nearly impossible to form truly intimate connections.
Thankfully, therapy taught me to express myself through other forms of intimacy. I can now cry with my fiancé without worrying about his reaction. I’ve learned that my fiancé feels most loved when we set aside time to exchange ideas about politics and religion. And the most touching moment with him this year came during a marriage prep weekend, when we shared the deepest thoughts in our souls.
What’s more, sex becomes more intimate when you’re emotionally close to someone. Not only will communication during sex be easier—which is crucial—but the experience will mean more. Sex isn’t just a physical act; it involves body, mind, and soul.
Myth #4: Men want and need it all the time.
For some reason, men are expected to want sex constantly. In reality, men have diverse sexual needs: some have low libidos, some prefer sex in committed relationships, some don’t climax easily—basically, a man’s desires are as varied as a woman’s. It doesn’t mean he’s less attracted to you or that there’s a problem. Human biology is unpredictable, and mismatched sex drives are common. If you’re experiencing this, don’t feel ashamed to seek professional help, and use the situation as a starting point to build lasting intimacy—emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Furthermore, it’s important to remember that our sex drive isn’t as uncontrollable as culture suggests. We’ve been led to believe that we need sex constantly in relationships. This messaging can pressure women (or men) into tolerating unrealistic sexual demands—through casual sex, porn, or even premature sex in a relationship. The truth is, the drive for sex is like any other desire: it can be controlled. I may really want to eat a whole chocolate cake before a long run while training for a marathon, but I know it’s bad for my body and performance. Similarly, a man or woman may strongly desire sex, but because sex has implications for each individual and the relationship, that desire should be channeled in a way that is respectful and loving to both partners and the relationship itself.
READ Watching Porn Together? Learn How It Will Destroy Intimacy
Myth #5: You can’t stop once you’ve started.
There’s a widespread misconception that once you’ve started having sex in a relationship, you might as well continue in future relationships. I definitely fell into this trap. After my first sexual experience in high school, I found it far too easy to agree to sex in many (though not all) subsequent relationships. In my mind, it was hard to justify why I should have sex with one person but not another. But it is completely reasonable to make that distinction—no questions asked.
Similarly, it’s entirely possible to stop having sex within a committed relationship. And no, you don’t have to break up to do that. A few months after my now-fiancé and I started having sex, I realized that reserving sex for marriage—whether with him or someone else—was very important to me. So I told him that pausing was important, he agreed, and everything else in our relationship continued as before (minus the sex, of course). Yes, it was hard. But it was worth it. If your partner reacts poorly when you say you no longer want to have sex, that might be a sign to reassess the relationship.
Of course, discovering sexual pleasure, desire, and sex as an expression of love is much easier within a committed, exclusive relationship—and nothing is more committed and exclusive than marriage. For those who think that sounds old-fashioned, I’ll offer one final thought: The equality that feminism promised me has never felt more real than in my relationship with my fiancé. The shame and expectations surrounding sex are far less intimidating with him, because we’ve built a relationship based on so much more than sex. I know he loves and respects all of me—mind, soul, and body—for who I am, not for what I am or am not willing to do in the bedroom. I believe every woman deserves nothing less than that certainty of love and respect.
