A Guest Post by Yasmeen Almahdy
My middle daughter, Dody, recently bought a gift for her sister Toty. It was a thoughtful gesture, but she didn’t realize Toty had purchased the exact same notebook in the identical color just two days earlier.
Toty became very upset.
She felt Dody hadn’t put much thought into the gift. Then Dody got angry because Toty didn’t appreciate her present.
It turned into a big mess.
Sibling Fighting Erupts from Nowhere
They started yelling and teasing each other until Toty broke down crying. My emotions were all over the place, and I really wanted to shout at both of them to just “Stop!”
But I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and decided to stay and listen to my daughter’s crying before addressing the older one.
Crying Can Help a Child Clear Out Their Feelings
Crying acts as a natural stress-relief mechanism. Tears and tantrums are a child’s way of releasing built-up fears, disappointments, and small frustrations that we might not even notice. Our limbic system detects safety, and when a parent stays close during upsets, the child feels it’s a safe time and space to let go of stored emotions. That’s why crying can intensify, and the upset may seem far bigger than the original trigger. I certainly saw this with Toty.
I maintained loving eye contact and listened empathetically while Toty cried hard. Her crying grew louder as I listened until she was screaming and sweating. During the tantrum, she lay on the floor, kicking and hitting at me. I gently told her I would hold her hands to help her stop hitting me. Then, after a few moments, she suddenly said with great anger, “Dodo doesn’t love me, she doesn’t want me to have anything! She refused to give me some of her beads so I could make a necklace.”
She kept crying, releasing all her hurt and pent-up emotion.
At that moment, I felt two things.
I was glad she could connect with her emotions and let them out, but I was distressed that she felt that way about her sister. I paid attention and told her to tell me more. She kept circling around the same idea that her sister deprives her of playing with her things. I validated her experience and responded by saying it really isn’t easy to have those kinds of feelings.
At least, I thought, now I understood that I should help them work on their relationship later.
A Resolution Comes Fast After The Tears Fall
After a couple of minutes, she completely stopped crying, looked at me and said, “Do you know who I played with yesterday at school?” She happily started telling me about her friends and we moved on.
Soon after that, I went to see how Dodo was doing. She told me she didn’t expect such a big reaction from Toty and that her intention had been to make her happy. How Toty reacted had disappointed her, she said. I listened carefully and showed her I totally agreed. She told me she felt relieved after that, and they both interacted with each other normally with no hard feelings.
Hand in Hand Parenting calls this method of active, empathetic listening “Staylistening,” and I never stop being amazed by its magic when I practice it with my daughters. The beauty of Staylistening is that it gives the child space to pour out all feelings in the presence of a loving, caring listener.
For me as the listener, even though it can be hard to hear at times, the benefit is knowing much more about what bothers my daughters and how I might guide or help them.
Read Play Works Better Than Punishment When It Comes to Sibling Fighting
Discover ways to help your siblings get along in Taming Sibling Rivalry
meet the instructor
Cairo, Egypt-based Dr. Yasmeen Almahdy is a career-mum to three girls. Yasmeen is available for talks, classes, and consultations. You can connect with her on Facebook and by email.
