This installment features a mother mourning the once-close bond she shared with her daughter, which has shifted since welcoming a second child. Recently, her daughter has been pushing boundaries, and she has caught herself running out of patience and snapping. "I genuinely don't want to keep going down this road with my daughter." She's asking whether Janet has any guidance on staying composed and self-assured when her daughter appears determined to get under her skin.
Transcript of "Breaking Free From Cycles of Irritation, Restlessness, and Rage"
Hi. This is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'll be responding to a message from a parent who's distressed about the declining connection with her nearly-three-year-old daughter. She feels as though most of their moments together are spent battling to get her child to listen or act appropriately. She truly wishes to cultivate a more positive rhythm for their bond.
Below is the note I received:
"Hello, Janet. I've been following your blog and tuning into your podcast for several months. I can't express how much comfort and reassurance your ideas and methods have brought me. (To that, I respond, 'Wonderful.')
I have a daughter approaching three and a son approaching three months. Ever since I became pregnant and then delivered my son, my capacity to engage with my daughter has shrunk considerably, which breaks my heart. We once had such an intimate connection. And although I believe we still do, it's been stained by my dwindling patience and occasional outbursts.
Today, for instance, we visited the park. Departing the park has turned into an event. It began with me snapping one occasion when she refused to leave when I requested. Now, it occurs almost every time. She bolts when I announce it's time to go. I steel myself for it. Today I told her, 'Bye. I'm leaving,' when she wouldn't budge. I said it from a place of fury and helplessness. Looking back, I recognize that sort of threat is controlling, harmful, and possibly frightening for her.
She was already overtired. She plopped down in the wood chips wailing and shrieking. She eventually did come. I said, 'You can hold my hand or ride in the stroller.'
As I'm composing this, I notice how heavily my heated feelings factor into all of this and possibly even worsen her conduct.
Regardless, she sat down and refused to walk. She wanted me to carry her. I told her I couldn't. She said, at one juncture, she wanted the stroller, and then rejected it. I was physically attempting to wrestle her into the stroller while she was screaming. I felt awful. I despise having to force her physically. It genuinely pains me now that she's rather large.
I wound up roughly tugging her across the grass to our destination. That was a nadir in my parenting. I ended up weeping, which I'm certain was disturbing for her; it's occurred previously. A couple of times I told her, 'I know you're very upset that we have to leave,' but it didn't do much. I was so distressed it was hard to concentrate on saying those things.
I genuinely don't want to keep going this way with my daughter, but once these cycles begin, I find it incredibly difficult to alter them. It also happened with diaper changes, though it's gotten better since I ceased getting angry with her. I simply don't know how to remain composed and self-assured when I'm so irritated.
Any recommendations for what to do in the park scenario, and how to establish a fresh cycle where I don't fly off the handle, and she actually cooperates in a reasonable timeframe when I announce we're leaving?
And then, just casual remarks like, 'Please don't put stickers on the couch. You can place them on this, but not that.' I feel like I'm perpetually telling her not to do something. If she doesn't stop, I typically tell her I'll have to assist her, but it feels like I'm constantly hovering over her. No fun. I recognize you have countless emails, so if I happen to receive a response, I'll be pleasantly shocked. Thank you."
Alright, so this type of dynamic that this mother has developed with her daughter is quite typical. There are certain factors that create this that I recommend this parent address at the source. That's always the most powerful approach to managing children's conduct. Just as with anything, we want to resolve it at the source, not merely handling it on the surface. If we can heal what's beneath the conduct, that's where we'll notice a shift.
That's extremely important to grasp in this scenario. First off, this little girl has a three-month-old sibling. This tends to be an emotionally turbulent period for most children that surfaces in various ways for each child. They carry significant anxiety around this situation, around this shift, and what's occurred in their world. It will need to be expressed by the child. And the way children this age typically release their very intense emotions is through behavior, through testing limits. Then, when the parent is able to calmly, and with substantial acceptance of the child's emotions, push back against that and maintain their boundaries, the child can discharge the feelings, can let the feelings out. That might emerge angrily. It might emerge in a tantrum. It might emerge just in this overwhelmed collapse to the floor, sobbing, sadness. It can take many different forms.
The first thing I'd tell this parent is, it sounds like she likely does recognize that that is a major component of what's happening and to therefore anticipate her child to be testing limits. That is simply the natural way that children release their feelings. Those feelings, optimally, will feel safe to express, even when they manifest in the most exasperating ways. It's not that we're going to be delighted that our child is acting this way and reacting this way so unreasonably, appearing not to listen, not to follow instructions, pushing back at us, but we're able to view this as a healthy dynamic and comprehend our role in it, which is merely to uphold those limits, and to acknowledge the feelings, and witness the feelings, observe the desires to remain at the park, like this mother mentioned she did, validate that.
But, the issue that this parent seems to already recognize in herself is that she's not making her daughter feel safe to release the feelings, because she's frustrated and angry when her daughter does these things. There's certainly nothing extraordinary about parents becoming frustrated and angry with their children. We all do it sometimes. But it's vital to recognize that this actually creates more discomfort in our child; consequently, it makes our task even more difficult because now we're going to notice that every time our child is uncomfortable, there will be more of this kind of conduct… so that they can discharge those feelings of discomfort and fear.
So now we're layering on the fear that "not only do I feel so in turmoil that I'm doing these wild things (as a child), but my parents are angry with me. These people that I need to kind of rely on in these situations, and see where I am, and assist me, and help me early," (and I'm going to elaborate on that in more detail here), "they actually reject me for this. They see that I'm being wrong, and bad, and yikes!"
What that accomplishes is it makes feelings that are already quite frightening and uncomfortable for a child even more frightening, even more consuming.
The reasons we do become frustrated are that we hold a different expectation than the one that would serve us. We hold the expectation that our child ought to be able to leave the park, or our child ought to be able to refrain from putting stickers on the couch. Children are, certainly at three years old, intelligent enough not to do these things. They do comprehend what we want, so, hey, why aren't they doing it? Because they're seeking that boundary. They're seeking that safe space to release their feelings. That's the kind of perspective, as a parent, that will help us avoid becoming frustrated.
Then the other component of that is the manner in which we actually address the behavior. This mother is delaying far too long to be physical with her child. She remarks that she doesn't enjoy being physical, and that's an issue I hear frequently. It truly does interfere, because caring for young children, they need to sense that we're going to be able to lift them and remove them from situations, and that we'll be able to assist them in doing things they're not capable of doing, and ideally, without losing our composure, or being rough, or being angry. We have to, one, anticipate it to some degree. Anticipate that there will be this kind of behavior. Then, notice it at the start.
For example, stickers on the couch, I wouldn't even say, "Please don't do that," because I could observe that my child is already doing something that my child knows I don't want them to do. Rather than telling them something they already know, I notice, okay, they're engaging in some mischief there, and I'm going to calmly ensure this doesn't happen. I approach my child. "I see you have those stickers. I'm not going to allow you to do that," and I'm already physically stopping my child. That physical boundary setting is what children yearn for.
Often, they crave this especially when there's a baby involved who's receiving a lot of physical care, a lot of touch, a lot of holding, and carrying, so they need it for that reason as well. That's why it's so vital for parents to view this as constructive, a constructive, affectionate exchange when you're actually doing something against your child's will in that moment. But you're doing it with love, and kindness, and confidence. You're taking that little bear cub and you're preventing those paws from doing this or that, or you're lifting that bear cub and carrying them out of the park.
So with the park, she says this has become a pattern, so see it approaching. Anticipate. Move close when it's time to leave. Don't announce by saying, "Okay, it's time to go." Now, you're announcing, "We're going to enter this power struggle. We're going to return to this routine that we've established now." Toddlers who have babies at home, or younger siblings, or other reasons that they have intense emotions, perhaps they're in a major transition of some other kind, like they've just moved or they're starting a new school or something, they are very likely to be unable to leave the park.
So rather than laying your card out for her to see, go up to her. "Okay, it's time," and now you'll already have your hand on her shoulder, your arm around her back. "Here we go. We're going to go." If you sense any resistance, you move right through it. You pick her up. You get her into the stroller. The sooner you do it, the less likely you'll encounter a struggle in return. But if you do, you push through it as best you can. Yes, it can hurt sometimes with a bigger child, But every time you take one of these actions, it's going to prevent more of this. So, you're actually healing by doing this messy thing. It's not fun. It's not easy. You might get kicked or struck a bit, but you're going to do your best to push through that, because that's going to spare you from this happening many other times. It's going to transform this from becoming a thing into becoming a moment when mom wraps her arm around and moves you along with affection.
Again, viewing this as constructive, viewing this as a loving exchange that your daughter wants to have with you, needs to have with you, is the key to avoiding frustration, avoiding getting upset, avoiding being rough or even anything remotely close to abusive. Is it forceful? Yes, it's forceful with love and kindness. It's a loving act, and it's a million times more loving than threatening that we're going to leave, or losing our composure, or asking our child more than once. If you catch yourself asking your child to do something or not to do something more than once, you're already too late in physically following through with the boundary.
You know, we're not going to be flawless at this. It's really helpful, I think, to, after this kind of situation, like after at the park or whatever, when it didn't go well, to truly reflect, "Okay, where was I going in my head? Why did I get upset?" Exploring this with a lot of love and kindness toward ourselves. We're all on this journey. All we want to do is make gradual progress. It's going to be two steps forward, one step back, or one step forward, two steps back sometimes, but we want to keep discovering how to move forward.
So when this mother mentions she sat down and wouldn't walk, that she was already sitting down… So ideally, you'll be there to prevent her from having the time to sit down and engage in that kind of power struggle. I would notice this immediately. I would pick her up. If the baby's there, I would have the baby secure in a stroller and not be carrying the baby if that's feasible at that time. I mention that because sometimes it's hard for the toddler to see the baby right there beside you, and that's going to increase the likelihood that the child will struggle in that exchange and want to express feelings around it.
For our own sake, I think it's easier to be physically accessible to our toddler, but I recognize that's not always feasible. So if you're not, and you know, you're carrying the baby in a carrier on you or something, then simply recognize that you have to be even more self-assured and employ what I call confident momentum, which is arriving early ready to move, building that momentum. It compensates for physical strength that you might not feel. And you don't need it as much because you've got the motion going. You're already in the mode that you're going to make this happen.
That's how I would disrupt this pattern, by being physical right away, by employing confident momentum, and definitely not anticipating that words will suffice. They just won't. Our words don't carry that much power with a child who has a reason to want to dig her heels in. Yeah, I'd say a lot less, and do a lot more, and do it much earlier, so not going to that stage of telling her to do something, and then, if she doesn't stop, I'm going to tell you I have to help you. No. I would help her immediately. She needs help right at the outset of these behaviors. Then, she'll notice, she's not going to be spending as much time hovering over her daughter. There will be periods where it feels like she's got to constantly move her daughter through, or stop her daughter from this and that, but this will pass much sooner if she can push through it with confidence as a leader, and that's what children want.
I hope that helps.
There's more in my book: No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame, which is available at Audible.com. You can also get it in paperback at Amazon and in ebook at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Apple.com.
Thanks for listening. We can do this.
Originally published by Janet Lansbury on December 21, 2017
