My ex-husband and I broke the news of our separation to our three children, and each reacted differently. While their distinct personalities played a role, I suspect their ages also influenced their responses. Though all were devastated, it was clear to me that my teenage son suffered the most.
Once the initial shock faded, he seemed to bounce back to his usual demeanor far too rapidly. He refused to discuss the matter, claiming it had no effect on him and that he was perfectly okay with the transition. But as his mother, I could see through that facade. I noticed subtle hints of pain he couldn't articulate—or perhaps didn't even fully comprehend himself.
I had been cautioned that the divorce might impact my teenager more severely than my ten- and eleven-year-old. A friend explained that adolescents face a greater likelihood of developing anxiety and depression following parental divorce compared to younger children or tweens.
My son insisted he was fine, but in reality, he was bottling up his emotions. He put on a brave face for everyone, yet the situation was undoubtedly affecting him—as it does everyone involved. Being older, more mature, and having a social life that sometimes overshadows home life doesn't exempt teenagers from feeling hurt and deeply saddened by their family's upheaval.
Despite my ex-husband and I making every effort to ease the transition for our kids, they aren't always doing well. I genuinely think our current arrangement is healthier than staying together in an unhappy marriage—which can also damage children—but that doesn't mean I can stop monitoring for distress signals just because they claim to be 'fine.'
In our family, our eldest, age fourteen, is having the hardest time. This shows in his academic performance and general demeanor. My children are my top priority right now; although the separation hasn't been catastrophic for any of them and they appear content most days, I remain vigilant.
Age is irrelevant when it comes to hiding true feelings—we all put on a brave face at times. In such situations, teenagers seem especially prone to concealing their emotions compared to younger children.
I consulted Julia Colangelo, a Licensed Clinical Psychotherapist, regarding the effects of divorce on older children. She validated what a friend had told me: in certain instances, the impact is indeed greater on adolescents.
She explained some underlying reasons: 'A key issue is that teenagers and young adults have grown accustomed to seeing their family as 'intact.' When that perception is abruptly or slowly altered—shifting from being 'a child with one home and married parents' to 'a young adult with divorced parents'—it can trigger shame and uncertainty,' Colangelo notes.
Warning signs to watch for in all children—particularly older ones—include pulling away from activities they once enjoyed or distancing themselves from family. Colangelo mentions that kids may begin skipping family gatherings whenever possible. 'For college students, this might mean not returning home for holidays or breaks because they 'don't want to deal with it.' Additionally, becoming overly dependent on parents or taking on a caretaker role for one or both parents separately can worsen feelings of depression and hopelessness,' she adds.
According to Colangelo, the most effective approach for parents is to maintain open communication, inform children that support is accessible, and suggest speaking with a therapist or counselor.
She further stresses that even though teenagers and young adults in their twenties are older, they still require honesty and reassurance that the divorce is not their fault.
Additionally, it's crucial to recognize that this event profoundly affects their lives and was never part of their expectations—without over-justifying or delving into excessive details about the reasons for the marriage's end.
Divorce brings countless uncertainties, but I'm grateful I had some advance insight into how my older child might cope—it has been immensely helpful.
Related:
This is What a Working Single Mom Needs Her Kids to Understand
What Surprised Me About Parenting After My Divorce
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