Those magazine insiders flat-out lied to everyone. How are we supposed to trust them ever again? Back in late December, they assured us that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux were perfectly fine, but apparently they took one final Christmas getaway to Cabo to do tequila shots off each other’s stomachs before calling it quits. Today they announced their separation after 2.5 years of marriage and 7 years together.
49-year-old Jennifer and 46-year-old Justin went the classy route, releasing their breakup statement through the Associated Press:
I’m a bit surprised their announcement didn’t include: “We’ve cried ourselves dry making this painful decision, but thanks to SmartWater®, Aveeno® moisturizer, and Eyelove®, we’re rehydrated and ready to move on.” Jennifer’s PR team is really slipping!
Honestly, this news made me do a gay gasp. Jennifer was just featured in Architectural Digest, talking about how her new mansion is the perfect cozy home for her, Justin, and their dogs. This split wasn’t on my radar—I figured she’d stick around his magnificent bulge for at least a few more years. I mean, she mostly lived in L.A. and he mostly lived in NYC, and they seemed to only get together for vacations and events. Plus no kids. That sounds like the ideal marriage to me.
And ever since Jennifer and Justin got together, tabloids have regularly run covers claiming he crushed her baby dreams by walking out. The most recent was Life & Style this week, saying Justin dumped Jennifer on February 11th. Sure, they were off by a couple of months and ran the same cover last year, but this time they got it right.
Inside every tabloid office right now, editors and writers are probably screaming at each other about which angle to take: “Poor Miserable Jen Dumped by Justin After He Moves In With His Mistress,” or “Jen and Brad Engaged! Angelina Furious Over Her Rival Becoming Her Kids’ Stepmother!” I say screw it and go with: “Brad’s Exes Find Lesbian Love With Each Other After Angelina Offers Her Ex-Rival Jen a Warm Crotch to Cry On!”
Pics: Wenn.com, Life & Style
