Today marks our fifth wedding anniversary! Earlier this week, we took a trip to Cancun and stayed at a resort—it was wonderful to have quality time just relaxing. Since it's our actual anniversary, I thought it would be fun to pass along some lessons I've picked up during our marriage.
Clearly State What You Require
This lesson touches on both communication and focusing on your own behavior instead of your spouse's. To begin with, your partner isn't a mind reader. They won't automatically know if you'd like help with the dishes or how you envision celebrating your birthday this year. You need to tell them. It's straightforward, but I took longer than I care to admit to figure this out. And it's not that you'll receive everything you ask for—some requests will require discussion and compromise. But you'll get zero percent of what you never ask for. From my experience, it's far better to over-communicate than to under-communicate. If you're like me and tend to hold back from asking for what you want or need, try to get past that unless your partner happens to be a telepath.
Then there's the second part: turning the focus back to yourself. Instead of thinking, "I wish my partner noticed the laundry piling up," or "Why didn't my partner plan a fun date night this week?" redirect your attention to your own actions. Here's a simple life truth that I find liberating yet challenging (at least it was for me): The only person whose actions I can control is myself. If I need something from Trey, I should ask; if he asks me for something, I can respond. It's simple, but it takes effort. Fortunately, marriage often feels like the most enjoyable work I've ever done. ? But it's still work.
As a side note, I believe this principle applies to many areas of life. If you're unhappy at work, for example, instead of blaming your boss or coworkers, first consider what actions YOU can take to change the situation. This mindset won't solve everything, but it's powerful.
Your Partner Can't Make You Happy
Before getting married, I think I held a misconception that Trey—or marriage in general—would make me happy. I was mistaken. I see this pattern in others' lives frequently. We assume that once we achieve a certain career, have children, or reach some other circumstance we fantasize about, then we'll be happy. We believe those situations or the people involved will bring us happiness. They won't. The only person who can make you happy in life is YOU. Once I truly grasped this and internalized it, I found it incredibly empowering!
And to be clear, the reverse is also true. You are not responsible for making your partner happy. That's impossible. You can love them, support them, encourage them, and make them laugh. But you cannot make them happy—they can only do that for themselves. So don't put that pressure on yourself, and don't wait for them or for marriage to make you happy. You can choose happiness every day—it's a practice.
For me, this has been not only a marriage lesson but also something I've reflected on as we think about having children (we plan to adopt—I promise I'll share more someday when I'm ready). Again, I started with a mindset that I wouldn't be happy or have a complete life until I had kids. And while I'm still really looking forward to that stage of life, I now understand that having children won't make me happy. First, that's way too much pressure to put on kids (or on your partner, in the case of thinking marriage will bring happiness). Second, it's simply not true. My life is complete now, and I can choose happiness today. I'm still 100% excited to have children, but I don't want to miss out on all the joy I can experience right now. I love my current life, including all the time and freedom Trey and I have to focus on our careers and each other. And I have peace knowing that one day I'll also be happy when that changes and we welcome little ones into our lives.
Marriage Is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
I'm someone who loves analogies, so here's one: Imagine you aim to get great abs. You change your diet, increase your workouts, and eventually achieve those abs. You're thrilled—then you stop exercising and start eating cookies for dinner every night. How long do you think you'll keep those abs? You see my (intentionally silly) point: great abs are like a good marriage—you have to keep working at it to maintain it. You can't expect a strong marriage if you don't put in the effort.
Marriage is a lifelong goal that requires constant attention. Read marriage books or listen to podcasts that can help you improve any aspect of your relationship. Always look for ways to love, support, and appreciate your partner more. Learn to apologize (I still struggle with apologizing when I'm wrong, even after five years of practice). Of course, there will be seasons when you can't focus on your marriage as much as others. That's okay. Even spending just a few minutes a day on this will make a huge difference over time. Your goal should be to never become complacent or lazy about putting effort into your relationship. Staying in love with someone takes work, but it's truly fun work.
Those are the three fairly simple lessons I've learned in marriage so far. Trey and I discussed the ideas in this post during our trip last week. But I just want to say: Trey, thank you for five amazing years. I got incredibly lucky when I married you! You support me in my goals and career. You teach and challenge me in so many ways, and I know you'll continue to. You forgive me when I'm a total jerk to you during a fight. You're smart, hot, and the most fun person I know. No one makes me laugh like you do. I am so, so thankful I get to spend the rest of my life with you. xoxoxoxox. Wifey
Credits // Author: Emma Chapman. Photo by Sarah Rhodes.
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