- Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Mastering these habits takes a lifetime, so don’t expect perfection in just twelve months. But I promise you’ll become a more serene parent, raising a more joyful child.
“Dr. Laura….My new year’s resolution is to be more patient. But when I told my family, they reminded me that I made the same resolution last year. I feel like a failure, even though I know I’ve become a better mother over the past year.” — Christina
Many people skip New Year’s Resolutions altogether, because they notice themselves pledging the same things year after year. But that doesn’t mean you’re falling short. It means you’re moving in the right direction, and you haven’t reached perfection yet. (Surprising, I know!)
The downside is, you still won’t be flawless this year. The upside is, you don’t need to be! Children don’t demand perfection from their parents. What they truly need is a parent who embraces them with all their flaws, models kindness and respect, and offers apologies and reconnection when things go wrong—which they inevitably will.
This is demanding work, because it revolves around managing our own emotions. That’s why simply resolving to be more patient rarely succeeds. By the time we’re clenching our teeth to stay “patient,” we’ve already slipped into the stress response of fight, flight, or freeze.
But if you aspire to become a more patient parent—and a happier individual—it’s entirely achievable. Here are 5 simple resolutions to help you build a home with less conflict and more affection. Practicing these is the work of a lifetime, so you still won’t be perfect in a year—in fact, you might find yourself making these same resolutions next year! But I promise you’ll be a calmer parent, with a happier, more willing child.
- Resolve to focus on regulating your own emotions, so you can become the cheerful, patient, uplifting parent you dream of being. Start by weaving daily, sustainable self-care into your life: Go to bed earlier for better rest, eat nourishing foods to keep your energy steady, turn those harsh inner criticisms into encouraging thoughts, and slow down your pace to reduce stress.
Above all, commit to managing your reactions. When your emotions are “out of balance,” you’re in fight-or-flight mode, and your child starts to feel like the enemy. So simply refuse to act while you’re angry. Promise yourself to calm your own distress before engaging with your child.
Does this sound challenging? It is. Perhaps the hardest thing we ever do. But that urgent impulse to act comes from your “fight or flight.” It makes your child appear as an adversary. Reacting when you’re upset never yields the outcomes you desire.
Every time you hold back your own “outburst,” you’re rewiring your brain. Each time you choose love, it makes the next choice easier. There’s no better moment than now to start. And you’ll be amazed at how your child transforms in response, as you reduce your own turmoil.
- Resolve to cherish the one you’re with. The one thing we know for sure about child development is that kids who feel loved and valued flourish. That doesn’t mean children who ARE loved—many kids with loving parents don’t thrive. The children who succeed are those who FEEL loved and appreciated for exactly who they are. Every child is unique, so it takes a tailored approach for that child to feel seen and loved. Our tough job as parents is to accept our child for who they are, challenges included—and to treasure them for that person, even while steering their behavior. The secret? See things from their viewpoint, empathize with their experiences, and celebrate every step forward. Maybe most important? Enjoy your child!
- Resolve to maintain connection. Kids only cooperate and “follow” our lead when they feel connected. But separation happens, so we need to reconnect repeatedly. Remember that quality time is about bonding, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you reunite later in the day, spend fifteen minutes fully focused on your child. (What do you do in those 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, roughhouse, laugh, play, empathize, listen some more. Not enough time? What could be more important?) Stop working and turn off your phone and computer before dinner so you can focus on your family. Eat dinner together without screens and do a lot of listening. Have a chat and a warm snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.
- Resolve to model respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through their teen years? Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully. After all, children learn from what we demonstrate. If we can’t manage our own emotions, we can’t expect our kids to learn to manage theirs. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember your mantras: You’re the role model, Don’t take it personally, It’s not an emergency, and This too shall pass!
- Resolve to address the needs and feelings behind your child’s behavior. The most important time to stay connected with your child is when they’re acting out. All “misbehavior” is a signal that your child needs your help to handle big emotions or fill unmet needs. Once you address the feelings or needs, the behavior changes. Parents who lead by loving example, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“I see how mad and sad you are. I won’t let you hit. Let’s use your words to tell your sister how you feel…”) raise self-disciplined kids who WANT to follow their guidance.
Sure, your child will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no perfect families. But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction. It’s not magic, just the hard work of constant course correction to get back on track when life inevitably throws you off.
So don’t worry if you’re making the same resolutions every year. That just means you’re keeping yourself on track by choosing, over and over, to take positive steps in the right direction. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself in a whole new landscape. Parenting, after all, is a journey—not a destination. For today, just choose less drama and more love. You’ll be amazed at how far that takes you.
Wishing you and your family a wonderful New Year!
Want to support yourself for real change? You still have time to register for the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Online Course that begins soon. If you didn’t get it in your stocking, this is the gift to give yourself for a better new year. Take a look at the raves from parents who’ve taken it to see if you think this self-paced course might be a good fit for you.
