- Thursday, January 11, 2018
Every parent has difficult moments. Treat your frustration like a flashing warning light on your dashboard—it’s a cue that something needs attention.
"Lately I've been trying so hard not to snap at my children. But sometimes the words just come out. I lose my temper, and afterward I'm overwhelmed with guilt. I realize my kids aren't really the issue—I'm just having a rough day. Is it actually possible to stop yelling? What does it take?"
What it takes is compassion.
Compassion for your child, certainly—but begin with compassion for yourself. It's nearly impossible to give emotionally when you're depleted, frazzled, and convinced you're falling short. Once some of that tension eases, your thinking clears, and you can approach your child from a calmer place and shift the dynamic. No raised voice required.
So the moment you sense irritability rising, skip the guilt and self-criticism. It's simply part of being human. Every parent has difficult moments. Treat your frustration like a flashing warning light on your dashboard. When you spot it, you:
a) Double down on managing your child's conduct, even though it leaves you tense and shouting.
b) Beat yourself up for being inadequate. Notice whether this actually reduces your yelling.
c) Disconnect the light so it stops flashing and pour yourself a drink. (This amounts to swallowing your feelings and numbing out—until they resurface in a burst later, or take a toll on your health.)
d) Acknowledge the signal with gratitude and use it as a prompt to check in with yourself: What small act of self-care could I do right now to restore my sense of well-being, so I can be emotionally available to my child?
The answer, predictably, is D. That wave of frustration is essentially a message that it's time for preventive care. Skip that step and you'll likely end up pulled over on the shoulder of the road, blowing up at your child, and drowning in regret afterward.
So on those demanding days, as soon as you register that irritability creeping in:
- Pause. Set down (your to-do list, just briefly). Breathe. Remind yourself there's no genuine crisis. Take several slow, deep breaths. This anchors you back in the present, so your strong emotions don't take the wheel. Now you can choose how to respond.
- Hold off on acting while you're still angry. You'll feel an urgent push to do something, but that's simply a sign you're in emergency mode—the "fight or flight" response. It's your warning light.
If safety is at stake, establish whatever boundaries are necessary, as calmly as you can manage. But resist the pull to discipline. Any lesson worth teaching will land much better later, once you've settled. Children can't absorb lessons when they're distressed, and if you're distressed, they will be too. The most valuable lesson you can model right now is self-regulation—children learn it by watching you do it.
Each time your rational mind overrules your emotional reactivity, you're literally reshaping your brain, making self-regulation more automatic. And each time you sit with uncomfortable feelings rather than acting on them, you're processing old emotional residue, so the same triggers bother you less. Less drama, more love.
- Gather every ounce of compassion you have and offer yourself the care you need. We often assume someone else has to provide the love we crave. But raising children well requires learning to parent ourselves. The nurturing presence you long for in those hard moments already exists within you. Growing up means embracing the responsibility to tend to ourselves, so we can respond like adults when our children act, well, like children. So wrap your arms around yourself (literally). Let your own warmth wash over you.
Now consider: What could you do right now to return yourself to a place of love and well-being?
Then do it. If the fix requires a bigger shift—like more sleep or regular exercise—sketch out a plan to make it happen. And if it's something you'll only do later, such as heading to bed early tonight, jot a promise to yourself, place it somewhere visible, and honor that commitment.
Still feeling on edge? Gather your children close, embrace them, and say "I'm sorry, but I'm a little out of sorts today. I'm going to be gentler with myself so I'm not out of sorts with you…Could you try to be gentle with me too? I promise I'll be in bed early tonight (or whatever helps) so tomorrow is better. Let's start fresh. Here's what I need from you."
Children absorb so much from moments like these—how to manage their own emotions, how to step into someone else's shoes, how to express their needs respectfully. Kids pick up on our disconnection and tension and often act out in response, so frequently your embrace will draw them back toward their better selves too. Of course, they'll slip up, screech, and press your buttons again. But less than before. And by owning your own irritability, you spare them from feeling like they're somehow bad just for being kids.
Later, every time you feel your voice starting to climb, you can pause, breathe, and say "I'm sorry…that was my crankiness speaking…let's start over….What I meant to say is….Sweetie, I need things a bit quieter right now…what's a good solution? Could you take that game outside?"
What if irritability is a daily companion? Take a Vow of Yellibacy—make a family pledge to keep a respectful tone. Choose a hand signal that anyone in the family can use when the tone slips. Then, as soon as you catch yourself, simply STOP and say "Oops…..Let's start over…..Let's all take ten breaths together…..Okay, one more try…What I really meant was…."
Naturally, if you find yourself irritable day after day, that's a signal something in your life needs adjusting. I urge you to seek whatever support will help you make that change. You deserve to feel well. And your children deserve the best of you, not the dregs.
See this article in French.
More Resources:
Give yourself more support: Dr. Laura's Online Course.
Click here to watch Dr. Laura's video: How Parents Can Stop the Cycle of Yelling.
