WASHINGTON DC —
Steve Jurvonovitch, a tech contractor whom congressional leaders have leaned on for months to crunch the figures underpinning the nation's sweeping tax overhaul package, confessed Friday evening before the House Finance Committee that he is completely out of his depth.
"Honestly, I cannot even tell you how I ended up here," Jurvonovitch remarked. "It all started with helping Nancy Pelosi keep tabs on her annual bowling league dues. Then Mark Meadows asked me to add up the House Christmas Party receipts from last year, and the whole thing kind of spiraled from there."
Capitol Hill Figure Branded as 'Spreadsheet Guru' Finally Owns Up to Being Clueless
Handled His Personal Return Solo Last Year
Lacking any formal accounting credentials, Jurvonovitch had bragged to several people around Capitol Hill that he prepared his own taxes — a claim that left a mark. "It was nothing more than a 1040EZ, since I was still crashing at my parents' house in Arlington," he explained. "They assumed I was some kind of tax code wizard, which couldn't have been further from the truth. But I was hunting for fresh business, so when they asked me to add up a stack of numbers, I figured, why not."
Spreadsheet Reportedly Packed With Mistakes
"Right now, I genuinely cannot tell whether the totals in the tax bill are accurate," Jurvonovitch noted. "The columns refuse to stretch wide enough to show the bigger figures, like the homeland security allocation. So whenever I try to add things up by hand, the result is way off the mark."
"On top of that, I have a mild case of dyslexia. The numbers sometimes appear to flip around on me. My coping mechanism is basically chugging enormous quantities of Mountain Dew."
Capitol Hill brass caught wind of a problem when Jurvonovitch turned in a 2018 federal budget total of $1,300. "Speaker Ryan has been remarkably chill about the whole situation," he said. "My guess is they'll bring in another person to double-check what I've done, which is perfectly fine by me. Math has honestly never been my strong suit."
Ploughing Ahead Anyway
Even though the revelation of possible inaccuracies in the tax bill caught many lawmakers off guard, party leaders insisted they were pressing on with the scheduled floor vote.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell weighed in: "Speaker Ryan's son has a buddy in his fifth-grade class who happens to be a spreadsheet whiz. We'll have that kid swing by and review Steve's work, so when we put together next year's tax package to patch the issues in this one, the math will actually add up."
"But as far as this round goes, the matter is settled," the Senate Majority Leader added. "I am absolutely not locking myself in that room for another month with that collection of knuckleheads."
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