A Guest Contribution by Katie Hurley, LCSW
Every week, a thirteen-year-old girl walks into my office carrying a long list of grievances about online platforms. She's frustrated by how her peers behave on Instagram. She finds it painful when someone unfollows her during a disagreement, then refollows hours later. Being excluded from the group chat stings, and spotting weekend photos featuring friends she wasn't invited to hang out with feels like a punch to the gut.
Harsh remarks make her uneasy.The reality is, she dislikes the person she becomes online and wishes these platforms had never been invented.
"What could you do to spark change?"
The question sounds straightforward, yet she falls quiet. She hasn't considered any possible solutions because the situation feels impossibly large.
"You've got two paths: sit back and watch, or step up as a catalyst for change. Your call."
That conversation sparks a long brainstorming session about steps she might take to reshape how she and her circle behave on social media. Together with a small group of close friends, she launches a "scatter kindness" initiative. Their pledge is to leave a minimum of five uplifting comments every day, particularly on posts where they've spotted mean-spirited remarks.
Young people are frequently taught to depend on grown-ups when navigating tricky social dynamics, but we must give our girls permission to become leaders of change. Will scattering kindness within one school microcosm put an end to cyberbullying and relational aggression on a grand scale? Of course not. Yet it's a beginning, and compassion tends to ripple outward.
The responsibility falls on us to equip our daughters to serve as changemakers. When we pose questions about problem-solving rather than dictating answers, they absorb the powerful message that they're capable of driving meaningful improvement.
A Few Starting Points
Allow them to select their own causes.
The girls I work with often share that when they volunteer, the activities were organized by their moms and dads. When I posed a question to one group about where they'd send profits from a lemonade stand, twenty girls came back with twenty distinct responses.
To cultivate girls who genuinely think about others and step forward to offer help, we need to ask them which issues they care about. When we spend more time listening than instructing, we encourage our daughters to step into leadership roles.
Establish social media ground rules together.
Even if your daughter hasn't joined any platforms yet, opening the conversation now is worthwhile. The reality is that countless young girls face complicated social challenges online, and figuring out the right response isn't easy. We shouldn't approach social media use with fear. When we discuss thoughtful online behavior, girls discover how to use these tools for good.
- Get permission before posting. Always confirm with a friend before sharing a photo of them.
- Avoid using images, captions, or remarks to shame or harm anyone.
- If you spot other girls engaging in hurtful behavior, say something, reach out to a trusted adult, and leave supportive comments for anyone who seems to be struggling.
- Consider how your post might land emotionally before sharing (I encourage girls to follow the three-minute approach: draft the post, pause for three minutes, then do a gut check before publishing.)
- Leverage social media to spread encouragement and goodwill.
Plenty of girls find it tough to bring up complex issues, including online negativity, with their parents. Be intentional about carving out regular one-on-one time where you and your daughter can talk without interruptions.
Foster socially responsible decision-making.
Girls face countless ethical quandaries and complex situations at school, within their neighborhoods, and across digital spaces. Although promoting community service expands their perspective and strengthens empathy, it's equally vital to discuss responsible thinking on a smaller, everyday scale.
Use role-playing scenarios at home to rehearse standing up against relational aggression, seeking assistance when problems feel too big to handle alone, navigating unethical choices made by peers, and speaking up with confidence.
As a mother of a young daughter, I feel the urge to shield her from difficult experiences, but I also recognize that when I equip her to navigate these challenges, she develops self-assurance and discovers that her actions matter.
Meet the Author
Katie Hurley, LCSW penned The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World (Tarcher/Penguin) and the eagerly awaited No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls (Penguin Random House, January 2018).
Hurley works as a child and adolescent psychotherapist, writer, and speaker based in Los Angeles, California. Katie completed her undergraduate degree in psychology and women's studies at Boston College before earning her MSW from the University of Pennsylvania. She brings deep expertise supporting children and adolescents navigating learning differences, anxiety, and low self-esteem, and she holds training in Play Therapy. Katie's insights appear in numerous online outlets, including The Washington Post, PBS Parents, US News and World Report, and The Huffington Post. Katie authored "The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World" (Tarcher/Penguin) and the much-anticipated No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls (Penguin Random House, January 2018).
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