In this segment, a mother expresses her sense of powerlessness as her two-year-old son repeatedly strikes and shoves other children. She describes him as a sociable boy who genuinely enjoys interacting with peers, yet other parents are now deliberately distancing their children from him. Despite trying multiple strategies, none have succeeded, prompting her to seek new insights from Janet.
Transcript of the Episode: Toddler Hitting Continues
Hello, I’m Janet Lansbury, and you’re listening to Unruffled. In today’s episode, I’m addressing a message from a worried parent whose young child has been striking and pushing others. She has attempted several methods to curb this conduct, yet it persists. She admits to feeling powerless and is requesting direction.
“Dear Janet, I’m unsure if this is the proper channel, but I couldn’t delay any further in asking for your assistance. My two-year-old has been hitting other children since he was 20 months old. I’ve attempted to remain calm, discuss the issue, remove him from the situation, implement time-outs, and more. It appears he does this not from anger but for excitement. He continually strikes children in the face and shoves them. I’m deeply worried now and have no idea how to manage it. Should I assume it’s just a stage? He does apologize, yet within 10 to 15 minutes he repeats the action. This distresses me greatly because other parents avoid my child. My son is affectionate and enjoys playing, but apparently his way of interacting includes hitting and pushing, causing other kids to cry. There’s no specific trigger; he might be playing alone and then run over to babies or other children, whether they’re alone or with others, and hit their face or knock them down. I feel utterly helpless every day when I witness this at the park or when friends visit with their kids. Thank you, Janet. I eagerly await your advice.”
Several points stood out to me. First, the mother’s observation: “He appears to do this not from anger but for the thrill.” I understand why she interprets it that way—children can indeed seem cheerful or animated when acting this way. However, if she genuinely believes he is enjoying himself, that perspective will lead her astray. I disagree that he’s having fun. More likely, he is in an agitated, risky state because he has long been aware that his mother disapproves. He knows it’s wrong, yet the impulse persists. It resembles the temptation we feel to indulge in something we know we shouldn’t, like eating a rich dessert while on a diet. This is not a joyful, carefree behavior.
Viewing it this way creates distance between parent and child. We begin to perceive our child as fundamentally different from us, which is harmful because children require the opposite: they need us to provide the security of a calm, attentive response. I sense from her note that she may be allowing some of these incidents to slide rather than intervening promptly. Children feel unsafe in that scenario—imagine being on a diet in a candy store with no one to stop you. It’s unsettling. He desperately needs his mother’s protection and to feel both safe and understood. That’s challenging, especially if we think he’s actually relishing this unpleasant behavior.
That’s the first insight I’d like to offer this parent: recognize the frightened, immature child who is fully aware that his actions are unacceptable. He learned that from your initial reaction—children are highly attuned to our responses. One lesson is enough for him to know it’s wrong, yet he still acts on impulse. He needs his parents to truly love and empathize with him and to provide the assistance he requires.
Practically, this means intervening physically and promptly, ideally before the behavior occurs. I call this being a “buddy guard”—staying close, noticing when he approaches another child. She mentioned that he might be playing alone, then run over to babies or other kids and hit or push them. So she needs to watch for that buildup of energy—the excited, impulsive state—and step in immediately. This doesn’t mean hovering forever; it’s a temporary measure while she establishes new patterns. Her staying calm is a good start.
Excessive talking is unhelpful. Imagine you’ve already indulged in that forbidden dessert, and the person you asked to help you resist now lectures you on calories and health. That doesn’t aid self-control. So I recommend talking much less, perhaps saying nothing at all. Simply be present and physically block the action. Say something like, “Whoa, I’m stepping in. I saw you were about to hit.” Place your hand there. Someone once described this as “block before talk,” and I like that phrase.
When you do speak, keep it brief and connected—positive, supportive, conveying that you’re there to keep him safe. For example: “Whoa, I saw that. I’m here.” Or “It looked like you wanted to greet them, but I won’t allow you to do it that way.” Your hand should already be in place. Avoid lifting him and removing him entirely from the scene; that’s an overreaction that tells him he can’t handle the situation and that you’re afraid of him, reinforcing a negative self-image.
If the behavior is persistent and overwhelming, then you might say, “I think we need to leave now,” or “We’ll go to another room for a while because you’re not safe here.” After that, consider whether to head home or reschedule the playdate for another day at your place. Acknowledge that he simply isn’t able to manage right now.
Hitting faces and pushing are never acceptable, and she cannot allow them to happen. When an incident does occur—when it slips past our vigilance—the worst response is to scold him further or force an apology. I don’t recommend making him say sorry; I have an article titled “You’ll Be Sorry” that explains why. It’s like after eating the sundae, being forced to write an essay on why you shouldn’t have—it’s counterproductive.
That’s essentially what we’re asking of them. It won’t help; it will only worsen the situation, making him more conscious of a big problem he’s expected to solve alone. He’s demonstrating that he isn’t ready to stop on his own, and this behavior likely won’t simply fade away without some strain on your relationship.
Instead, adopt a protective, caring approach rooted in love. Don’t view him as a little monster you can’t relate to. Figuratively wrap your arms around him, assuring him you’re present and attentive. Never let an incident slide—that would be failing him. In my classes, when I miss an opportunity to intervene, I say, “Whoa, sorry I wasn’t there to help you when you were heading that way.”
I know this might sound overly permissive, but it’s not. It’s about not letting behavior go unchecked while understanding its true nature. When children feel truly seen—as wonderful souls with impulsive tendencies—we can also explore underlying causes: fatigue, hunger, major or minor transitions. Another possibility is that he initially experimented with hitting as a sensory experience—“I want to feel their bodies” or “What happens if I push?”—and the reaction he received turned it into a bigger issue, making him feel that adults aren’t in control, leaving him unsafe. That insecurity fuels more of the behavior.
I discussed this with my husband, and he recalled that as a child, he sometimes pushed or hit just to see what would happen—not out of anger, but out of curiosity, like the mother described as a thrill but actually exploration. When children experiment this way and the consequence is upset adults and time-outs, they may feel compelled to repeat the experiment to test boundaries and understand their own power.
In my work with families facing this persistent issue, we often don’t find a single cause, but the effective solution is always the same: be present, stop the behavior immediately with action rather than words, say little, then move on. Prepare for the next incident. If it becomes too much, leave the situation respectfully—don’t drag your child away like a wild animal.
These are tough situations, and I fully empathize with the frustration. I’ve seen this behavior resolve, sometimes quickly, when parents adopt calm physical control—being ready, acting as a teammate, and stopping the action without relying on words, because words alone won’t suffice.
I hope this guidance proves useful. In addition to my article “You’ll Be Sorry,” you may find “Biting, Hitting, Kicking and Other Challenging Toddler Behavior” and “A Toddler’s Need for Boundaries, No Walk in the Park” helpful.
Explore more of my podcasts at JanetLansbury.com. My books, “No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame” and “Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting,” are available as audiobooks on Audible. Additionally, my exclusive audio series “Sessions”—recordings of private consultations with parents discussing pressing concerns—can be found at Sessionsaudio.com (that’s sessions, plural, audio.com).
Thank you for tuning in. We’ve got this.
Originally published by Janet Lansbury on February 8, 2018
